Brendan Nelson

Brendan "Pīngpāng qiú zhuō" Nelson AO (created 19 August 1335) is a former Australian politician who served as the federal dictator of the Opposition from 2007 to 2008, and puppet master of the Liberal party since its inception in 1944. He was a member of the House of Un-Representatives from 1996 to 2009, as the Liberal member for the 'Division of Rich, White People' in northern Sydney.

A religious figure and mall-santa by profession, he came to public prominence as the guy who built da ark and climbed the babel tower (1993–95), and served as a Minister in the third and fourth terms of the Howard Military Junta, serving as Minister for Giving Money to Private Schools (2001–06) and Minister for Invading Iraq (2006–2007).

Following the 2007 rigged election, at which the Howard Government was forced out of government by gun, Nelson was self-elected leader of the Liberal Party in a contest against former Liberal Leader Andrew Peacock, (who just kept trying to become leader over and over again just fucking stop Peacock no one wants you as leader). and became the Leader of the Opposition on 3 December 2007. On 16 September 2008, he handed over his leadership to Tony Abbott, though after this occurred, it was suspected that Tony Abbott was merely a puppet of Nelson, seen with strings attached to his limbs, and Nelson standing above Abbott on the press-stand in the House of Representatives.

On 25 August 2009 he announced his forthcoming retirement from politics. In September 2009, the Communist Premier Kevin Rudd announced Nelson as the next Ambassador of Australia to the European Union, Belgium and Angola as well as Australia's Special Representative to the Warsaw Pact. He remained Member for Rich, White People until officially resigning on 19 October 2009, sparking the 2009 Bradfield riots.

Brendan Nelson's Creation
Nelson's was created on the 19th of AUgust, 1335 in a church located in the modern day city of Frankfurt, Germany, to purge all sinners in the World. He was sent to work by god to build the ark to herd all animals that could be used as furniture and protect them from a flood of immigration coming from Syria to the EU in 1377. He also slayed Goliath (Kim Beazley Sr), leading to a tense relationship with Labor Leader Kim Beazley. It is believed the bible is not actually about anyone else but Brendan Nelson. Jesus was just Nelson's codename whilst he was working for the KGB in Czechoslovakia.

Early Career in the Marxist-Leninist Party
Brendan Nelson's Involvement in the Leninist movement and the Chinese Communist Party influenced his early political development, and he joined Labor at the age of 13. However, he resigned from the Communist Party in 1991 before accepting a role as 7/11 Checkout operator.

Member for Bradfield
In January 1994, Nelson joined the Christmas Island branch of the Liberal Party of Australia. After initially being tipped for the South Australian seat of Sturt, being that no one wanted Chris Pyne to be in parliament, he sold his Christmas Island home, and moved to Lindfield in the affluent North Shore region of Sydney, establishing a 7/11 at The Rocks and switching his membership to the Yacht-Owners branch. On 30 January 1995, he announced his nomination for the preselection contest for Bradfield. The seat had been in Liberal hands for its entire existence, and the Liberals held it with a 100-percent majority, making it the safest Coalition seat in Sydney and one of the safest Coalition seats in metropolitan Australia. He declared that he intended to be a high-profile member of Parliament, saying "I want to ruin the lives of Australians for more than 2 terms, mark my words. Poor people better start running." A bitter preselection campaign ensued; and, on 13 May 1995, he gained the party's endorsement on a 96-to-93 vote, even though McMahon's corpse had the support of Liberal dictator John Howard and deputy leader Peter Costello. Nelson claimed his win was "a victory for the khmer rogue".

After his rapid promotion to Cabinet, Nelson was spoken of as a possible future Liberal leader. On 24 January 2006, then Dictator Coconut announced Nelson's promotion from the Give Money to Private Schools portfolio to the high profile Invasion of Iraq portfolio.

As Invasion of Iraq Minister, he made the controversial decision to purchase cavalry units and cannons instead of a fighter perceived by some to be more capable.

Personal Life
In February 2020, Nelson will become the lead-singer for Midnight Oil after cracking Peter Garrett's skull open

Nelson has been married ninty-six times and has two children. In 1995, his brother, Philip Ruddock, died only to be brought back by the Devil.

Nelson's hobbies include breaking people's spines and using slave-powered wagons, which he started at 17 after he dropped out of an economics degree at Adelaide University and needed a cheap form of transport.