Kevin Rudd



Kevin Michaelangelo Rudd (born 21 September 1957)(dies 19 March 2022) (rebirth: Planned Ruddism Event) was an Australian politician who was the 26th and Eternal Prime Minister of Australia, serving from December 2007 to June 2010 and again from June to [REDACTED](See The Juliazilla Incident for more details) September 2013, meeting his electoral defeat at the hands of the perverted Tony Abbott (Minister For Women). He held office as the False God Emperor of the Australian Laybour Party (the True God Emperor is now known to undisputedly be The Hon. Bob Katter).

Rudd is believed to have come into being within the life giving bosom of Yggdrasil The World Tree. He has all the degrees in Chinese studies from the National University of Time (NUT), and is fluent in widely known as the grand architect of the Mandarin language. Before entering politics, he worked as a based white chocolate salesman and was known then as Mil-Quay-Barr Khidd later changing his name and occupation after a litany of allegations involving human trafficking and slavery. Rudd ascended to the mantle of Eternal Prime Minister, and took his rightful place in the annuls of history right next to Mao Zedong, and Sans on 24 November 2007.

Not For The Faint Hearted (1957-2007)
After his birthing in Yggdrasil he was unleashed upon the mortal realm, upon arrival Kevin spent his formative years frolicking the jungles of Nambour, Queensland, at least they were jungles until Kevin accidentally unleashed a godly sneeze and transformed the region into rolling hinterlands.

Having discovered his godly powers he decided it was time to put them to use, and because he is a fucking nerd he went to uni. While blitzing through degree after degree on every aspect of China he eventually grew bored of reading the multiple languages spoken in China and transported himself through time to the year previous to the inception of the Mandarin language. With little help, and the constant struggle of making sure the Chinese people believed it was their own hard work, Kevin finally completed the Mandarin language. Returning to the present he completed all of the degrees in Chinese studies within a week due to the time saved from only having to read one language. After the discovery of spoopy particles (that are theorised to only be created by time travel) on campus the university renamed itself to National University of Time in a bid to attract funding for research of the phenomenon.

Following the completion of his studies Kevin decided to put his knowledge of Chinese commerce to the test and opened his business that traded solely in white chocolate. Inspired by the future song (WAP, White Australia Policy, feat. Gough Whitlam ) he named his chocolate brand: White As the white australia Policy-chocolate or WAP. The success of his business was phenomenal, and even expanded into the Middle Eastern market, which is not known for it’s white chocolate consumption. Some accredit the Middle East success to Kevin adopting the monicker of Mil-Quay-Barr Khidd which sounded foreign enough supposedly.

Unfortunately the model for the business’s success would also lead to it’s downfall. Having based his business on the Chinese sweatshop model it meant Kevin was actually kidnapping his workers workers in China, trafficking them to Australia and enslaving them with ‘floor chocolate scraps’ being considered payment. A report by 3Corners revealed to the Australian Government the truth, so the cabinet convened that same day to have a vote on the matter, and they unanimously decided to shut down the business and put out a warrant for Mil-Quay-Barr. Which was very unbased of them. Fortunately Kevin had already rescinded the Mil-Quay-Barr name before the creation of the warrant and told the police “no take backsies” when they came knocking.

Kevin then wondered the universe for a time, finally coming back to Australia in the year 2007 where he took up the mantle of leadership of the Laybour party. Previous to Kevin’s return to Earth Kim Beazley departed the mortal realm, leaving the Laybour party leadership empty. At the celebration that followed Kevin’s ascension he was wrongly crowned God Emperor by a disgustingly sober Bob Hawke. Mr Hawke later apologised for this gaff, saying that he had unfortunately had not sunk a few tinnies that night, which had left him in a poor state of mind. ALL GLORY TO THE TRUE GOD EMPEROR, HIS EMINENCE BOB KATTER.

The federal election later that year was the first domino in a set that would lead to a series of events that would transform all life on earth as we know it.

Cambramatta Station Incident (2022)
Scholars have peered into the future and delivered us a horrifying prediction of events to come in Kevin Rudd’s life. On 19 March 2022 Mr Rudd will be enjoying another fine day in the People’s Republic of Cambramatta when a disheveled, frantic, and possibly methed up Mark Latham viciously attacks him on sight, unfortunately ending Mr Rudd’s first life in the process. Vale Kevin Rudd.

For more information please see: Cabramatta Station Incident (2022)